In my work with my patients, both individuals and couples, the importance of trust is a theme which emerges with tremendous regularity. Many of us, maybe almost all of us, feel that trust is a core value of importance in almost every aspect of a relationship.
As a psychologist, I view trust as beginning very early in life, shortly after birth, with its origins in the emotional attachment between infant and parent. Securely attached infants are parented with a high degree of responsivity, and with that, the infant begins to trust that its needs will be met. This then becomes the foundation upon which all significant relationships become patterned. Even in the presence of disappointment or frustration, individuals can often withstand and weather impingements on our trust of another person, if that foundation is firmly established early in our lives.
And yet, we are left to wonder why instances of infidelity, empathic rupture, or feelings of betrayal are so powerful and disruptive, even in very securely attached individuals? I believe it is because such violations of trust fly in face of what are our unconscious and sometimes irrational beliefs that if the other person was really trustworthy, really loved me, really had my best interests at heart, then their infidelity, betrayal, or instances of empathic rupture could never have happened. Furthermore, the wronged party often harbors the fear that this instance of untrustworthy behavior may be only the beginning of multiple such instances. It can leave the injured person in the precarious psychological position of feeling a need to enter a defensive mode, steeling oneself from the anticipated onslaught of further traumatic betrayals.
The period of time in which a love relationship lives with a violation of trust, many destructive forces can come into play. Avoidance, distancing maneuvers, indirect displays of anger, and withdrawal of affection are common sequelae to this period of time in which the injured party is setting the stage for either withdrawal or attack, or otherwise put, fight or flight.
Repairing a relationship in the wake of a violation of trust typically involves a step by step process of understanding the dynamics inherent in losing trust, and meeting the wronged party's needs in terms of what they dictate to be the path to rebuilding trust. One problem herein is the fact that the transgressor may feel that they have more than met the standard of rebuilding trust, long before the injured party feels that they can trust the other person. It is rarely the passage of time that is the criterion, but rather the motivation and willingness of the injured party to engage in a process of reparation. Of critical import, nonetheless, is both parties commitment to re-building trust inasmuch as trust is the sine qua non of attachment and attachment in at the core of human relationships.
October 2007
