Making Relationships Work
Having worked with over 100 couples over the past 25 years of clinical work, I find myself often thinking about what problems and concerns most often emerge as the core issues creating the problems in the relationship, and then, what qualities and strengths characterize the persons who successfully participate in martial therapy. And what I most often end up focusing upon is helping couples reconnect and re-elicit the love that characterized their relationship when it first started. While I have not been able to help all couples reconnect and leave therapy in a happy and satisfied place, I have had many successes. I recall that one man whom I saw in marital therapy frequently referred to his marriage as a "Garage": cluttered, cold, disorganized, and filled with lots of shit. And so I thought about that and have come up with my own GARAGE. Only my garage is one that serves as a treatment plan for where I hope relationships can go:
GARAGE...Gratitude. Acceptance. Reactivity (lose it). Annoyances. Giving. Engagement.
Expressing Gratitude is an important component of all healthy relationships. In our love relationships, feeling under appreciated or unappreciated is a common dynamic in many troubled relationships. Early on in a relationship, most of us are eager to do almost anything to please our partners, particularly when our efforts are appreciated. But over time, we can start to feel that we are under appreciated or not even noticed. Even worse, if we are criticized for what we fail to do rather then noticed for what we are doing, withdrawal of love is a common sequelae. Alternately, irritation can lead to feelings of anger or helplessness. Feeling thankful, and experiencing it, is so important.
Acceptance is a central component of healthy relationships and very often not prominent in couples who are struggling. Those things that we find annoying or upsetting, or by which we are hurt or made angry, may simply be the personality characteristics of our partner. Finding in our own heart the ability to accept our partners as they are, with openness and honesty about what we want and what we need, is the key. Our efforts cannot be to change our partners, but rather to inspire our partners to want to meet our needs. This is the sine qua non of healthy relationships. We must not experience our partnerís actions as a deliberate or personal slight or as a message that they do not care about us or prioritize us. It is dangerous to fall prey to "if you really loved me you would...". Acceptance of our partners for everything that we love about them, and even those things which we find annoying in them, is important.
Reactivity is common in relationships that have gone on for many years because that which we found only mildly irritating early on in the relationship, can become a very significant irritant when it has occurred frequently over many years. Michael Cunningham's work at the University of Louisville, in his study of 160 couples, found that people suppressed their irritating behaviors when they first date or in the early years of their marriages, but that once they are truly committed they tend to let their defenses down and their tendency to behave in a reactive fashion is more likely. So the first time your spouse is a little loud at a party, it can be mildly irritating. But the 100th time that they are can feel like the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. At those times, settling oneself, and being mindful of the fact that what it is that is bothering you is actually a relatively small issue in and of itself, can go a long way in smoothing out conflictual relationships.
Annoyances are common in all relationships. Most mature adults realize that it is impossible to find another person who's every way of doing things is perfectly in line with our own. Fundamentally, our growing up and our way of looking at the world is derived from are genetic predispositions and the influence of significant others in our lives. These become hard wired in our brains. We can find it annoying when our partners do not do things the way we are accustomed to having them done. But when things are annoying to us it is important that we do not look at the issue as our partner's problem, whether it is leaving wet towels on the floor, interrupting, or leaving the toilet seat up. Rather, when we feel like "something in this relationship needs to change", we need to look at ourselves, with an understanding that no matter how annoying or frustrating our partnerís behaviors are to us, what matters most is the meaning we attach to it and our interpretation of it. And we can be comforted by the fact that when we can change the meaning we attach to that behavior, we can feel better.
Giving is an important aspect of all relationships. But so often even true "givers" are prone to giving what we ourselves want to give, and not what our partner wants. In essence, it is crucial to understand and appreciate the differences between ourselves and our partners, and revel in them, enjoy them, flourish with them, and not see our way as the right way. Our needs are probably not our partnerís needs. Our wants are probably not our partnerís wants. Give from your heart but give what your partner wants, what your partner asks for, and what your partner needs.
Engaging our partners in open and honest communication, always with kindness, is an important component of healthy relationships. Very often when we are criticized or hurt in some way, we either withdraw, defend ourselves, or attack. I have never seen a relationship improve when aggression is met with aggression. Open and honest communication, always with kindness and compassion, characterizes the healthiest relationships. Negativity, nagging, telling our partner what is wrong with them...none of this is helpful. Learning to communicate openly and honestly and learning to resolve differences through acceptance of those differences, is a vital component in making relationships work.
August 2009
